What Profession!

Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's extreme dedication to his new job.

You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while.

She tells her friends, " I appreciate the fact that at last he's found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom."

"Why, what's his new job?"

" He's an embalmer."

Just on Time

Big inspection on a build site/yard.

The boss tells the workers : what ever happens just act as usual.

The inspection committee were inspecting when a wall just colapses.

-(Worker looking at his watch) : 10:15, just on time

Absent Minded:

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.

When did you first notice this problem?

What problem?

Granny:

A woman and baby are in the doctors surgery, the doc is concerned about the babys weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed?
The woman replies, "Breast fed."
The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts.
He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ... "No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk."
Woman replies, "I know, Im his granny ... but Im glad I came!"

Next:

Patient comes to the doctor, doctor says:

- So, what concerns you?

- Dr, everyone ignores me!

- Next!

The Great Bike:

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit

Wife or Mistress:

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

Will:

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: 'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.' The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.' The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!'

Girls:

Girls are like Internet Domain names, the ones I like are already taken.

The Internet:

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI ...

Programmers:

How do two programmers make money?

- One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses

Great Writer:

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

That's the Problem:

A nice lady in a short skirt walks up to a police man on the street and says, "I have a problem."

The police man asked her what it is, she points to a man across the street and says, "See that man?"

The police man replies, "Yes, is he watching you?"

She replies, " NO!, that is the problem!"

P.M.S.:

Why was the name "P.M.S." chosen ?

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.........

Bikini:

A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,
"I would like to see a bikini that fits me."

Clerk, "me too..."

Microwave:

A blonde goes to a sales man to buy a TV, "I want that TV" the man replies, "sorry, I don't sell to blondes.

She went home, died her hair red and went back to the sales man, "I want this TV," "again, "Sorry, I don't sell to blonbes"

Frustrated, she went home, shaved bold and went again " I want this TV!!!" agian, "sorry I dont sell to blondes".

The blonde screams out" HOW THE HELL DO U KNOW I'M BLONDE!?!" he replies, "Cause thats not a TV, it's a microwave!"

Big Red Lorry:

A blonde phones up the fire brigade and says that her house is on fire.

Fireman asks 'how do we get there ?'

She replies 'HELLO ... IN THE BIG RED LORRY !'

Disney World:

There is this blond going to Disney World.

She sees a sign that says, "Disney World left".

She turns around and goes home.

Pizza Pieces:

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Car Dents:

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

5th Avenue:

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:''Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?''

The bus driver shakes his head and says,''No, I'm sorry.''

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ''Will it take ME?"

The Chemist & Blonde:

The chemist looks at the blonde and says, "Can I help you miss?"
"I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please," says the blonde.
"I'm sorry," says the chemist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" Said the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to the her
"This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant".
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

"To apply, push up bottom."