Final countdown


A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

Doctor's Appointments


A couple aged 61, went to the doctor's office.

The doc asked "what can I do for you?"

The man said "will you watch us have sexual intercourse?". The doctor looked puzzled but agreed, when the couple had finished, the doctor said "there is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." and he charged them $40.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doc and leave.

Finally the doc asked, " just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said "we're not trying to find out anything. She is married and can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house.

Holiday inn charges $82.00, hilton $87.00. We do it here for 40 and I get 38 back from medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

Watch out, here comes Daddy


One day a woman went to the doctors. She told her doctor that her and her husband wasn't having a good relationship in bed. So the doctor gave her some viagra pills. The doctor said to give two pills to her husband when they wanted to have sex. And told her to come back the next day.

So the next day she came back saying "Wow, that was great. What if i gave him 5 pills?"

The doctor replied, "Well I wouldn't do it but I guess you can but be sure you come back the next day."

So she gave him 5 pills. She came back the next day with crouches saying, "Damn! That was the best sex I ever had. What if I gave him the hole bottle?"

The doctor said, "I highly not recommed that but, you can give it a try but be back tomorrow!"

So the next day a little boy came in. He asked, "Are you the lady that told my mom to give daddy those pills?"

She replied, "Yes."

The little boy went on her counter and slapped her across the face saying, "You bitch!!! Because of you my mom is dead, my sister is pregant. My ass hurts, and my daddy is going around the house saying, "Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

World famous urologist


A world famous urologist believed he could diagnose any disease simply by looking at a urine sample. To test his prowess, a friend with tennis elbow peed into a jar and then got additional donations from his wife, daughter and his dog. The next morning , he jerked off in it as well.

He gave the bottle to the famous urologist and was told he'd called in a few days with the results.

Finally the urologist called and said, "It was tough case but I think I've solved it."

"What wrong with me?" the man asked.

"Well, your wife has the clap, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has worms and if you quit playing with yourself, you wouldn't have tennis elbow."

But he called again!


Kughi went to see his doctor with two red ears.

The doctor asked him what happened. Kughi replied, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But... what happened to your other ear?"

"The scoundrel called back."

Naughty Scissors


A doctor performs an operation on a young woman.

When she is ready, to leave the hospital he tells her, "I've made a terrible mistake. I sewed the scissors up, inside you. However, it won't bother you. Go home and forget about it... "

Two weeks later the young woman comes rushing into the doctor's office.

"Doctor, doctor," she cries, "You' II have to do something, about those scissors. You must remove them at once. Two of my friends have been circumcised and a casual acquaintance has had his finger cut."

Birth-control Pills

A woman well into her eighties begged her doctor for birth-control pills so she could sleep better. The doctor refused her request, but she kept begging.

Finally he gave in. A month later the woman returned and asked for more pills. The doctor said, "Do they really help you sleep better? There's not one word in the literature about the sedative effect of this pill. How does it work for you?"

The old woman said, "In the morning I put one in my granddaughter's juice. I sleep like a log!"