A blonde and a brunette drive into a lumberyard. The blonde gets out of her truck, walks up to a worker, and asks for some four-by-twos.
"You mean two-by-fours?" the worker asks.
The blonde says, "I'll go check."
She walks back to the truck, asks the brunette, and returns a minute later.
"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"OK, how long do you need them?" asks the worker.
The blonde pauses for a minute and says, "Hold on, I'd better go check."
After a moment, the blonde returns to the worker and says,
"A really long time. We're gonna build a house..."

A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door,
she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"

Boudreaux and Clarence


Boudreaux live across de bayou from Clarence, who he don like at all. Dey all de time yell across de bayou at each other. Boudreaux would yell to Clarence, "If I had a way to cross dis bayou, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah." Dis went on for years.

Finally de state done built a bridge across dat bayou right by dere houses and Boudreaux's wife, Marie, say, "now is you chance, Boudreaux. Why don you go over der an beat up dat Clarence like you say?"

Boudreaux say, "OK," and start across de bridge. But he see a sign on de bridge an he stop to read it and den he go back home.

Marie say, "Why you back so soon?"

And Boudreaux say, "Marie I dun change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence. You know Marie, dey got a sign on dat dere bridge dat say, 'Clarence 13 ft. 6 in.'" You know, he don look near dat big when I yell at him across de bayou."

Cannibals.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied: "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

Marriage Counsller
----------------------------

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing."

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's arse came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story.

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

Freda walks into MINKOFF THE BUTCHER and asks Harry for the freshest chicken he has. So Harry pulls out a chicken for her to inspect. Freda immediately gets to work. She starts by looking it over inside and out. She then sniffs it at both ends and continues to sniff all around it. Finally, she puts her nose inside the body cavity. Then Freda hands the chicken back to Harry and says, "You call this a fresh chicken?"
"Mrs Cohen," replies Harry, "you could pass such an inspection?"

Issy is not well and goes to see doctor Myers. After examining him, doctor Myers says, "Well, I can help you, but it will require many sessions."
"OK," says Issy, "how much is this going to cost me?"
"The 12 sessions plus drugs will cost you $1,000," replies doctor Myers.
"Oy," says Issy, "I'm not a wealthy man, doctor. Couldn?t you make it less?"
"Well ? I could do it for £850," replies doctor Myers.
"It?s still more than I can afford, doctor," says Issy, "I?ve 3 children and a Jewish wife to support."
"OK," says doctor Myers, "how about $700?"
"It?s still too high, doctor," says Issy. "My business is doing terrible and my wife has told her mother that she can live with us."
"Alright already," says doctor Myers, "I?ll do it for $600 and not a penny less."
"Thanks doctor, I can accept that," says Issy.
"Good," says doctor Myers, "but tell me, why did you come to me to seek treatment when you know I'm the most expensive doctor in this area?"
"Well," replies Issy, "you've got a marvellous reputation and when it comes to my health, money is no object!"