A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Push off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over her hallway carpet.

If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

Well," she said, "I hope you've got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."

These are real true gems, yes, they are true.
Before I retired I got to know a man living near to the place where I worked.
John told me these, that they actually happened to him, he was about 55 at the time a few years ago.
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1) He was on his own doing a job in the house when there was a knock at the door so he opened it to see 2 policemen there. They gave a car registration number asking was it his. He said it was but his wife had take it to go into town. One of the policemen asked him to accompany them. They brought him to the car and verified that it was his. What happened was that she was going downhill to the main road when the engine cut out, the car had run out of petrol.
So she just let the car go down the hill and turned left onto the main road and drove it to the side of the road. The policeman showed John that she not only left the door unlocked, but she had left the keys in the ignition switch. She just parked it there and got a bus into town.

2)One evening she took the car to a town 25 miles away. That was OK. So John went to bed and was falling into a nice sleep when he heard a loud sort of crashing sound. He said to himself, What has the stupid bitch done now, that was not what he said, I couldn?t put in here his actual words.. There was a trailer attached to the car that she hadn?t noticed, but the thing had corner posts that were visible in the rear view mirror. So, she didn?t know there was a trailer attached to the car. She drove up their driveway and reversed the car and wrapped the trailer around a tree trunk. 50 miles and didn?t see the trailer.

3)She took the car out one day, drove into a 600 space car park. When she drove into it there was only one car parked in the car park. Can you guess what she did. She hit that solitary car in the car park. When she got home and told John, he told her that he couldn?t afford to live with her and he put her out.

Perfect Marriage Recipe

Quote:
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE. Red was a famous USA actor and comedian.

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a Little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere..... But she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our Anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric Bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place To sit down!" . So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late For the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her First name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says "I just don't understand it. Why aren't we getting any ducks?"
Her friend says "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a late-model Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh, Mercy," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.

Summary of life
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GREAT TRUTHS LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensations from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Two Statues In A Park
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A park contained two statues; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
One day an angel comes down from heaven and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?" He asks her. "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you c**p on its head."


.... AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"