When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how
hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to
school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay
a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that...

I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a darn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up!

We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!

And when it came to channel surfing, you had to actually walk over to the TV to change the channel, and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!
And we didn't have microwaves ... If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a real fire .. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

Sadie bumps into her blonde friend Rachel at the mall. "You're looking very tired today, Rachel. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Rachel, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow, fantastic," says Sadie, "so what were the choices he gave you, Rachel?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could make my Harry the best lover in the world."
"So tell me already, Rachel, what did you choose?"
"I can't remember," replies Rachel

These counterfeiters in Toronto finished a big printing job when the
boss noticed that all the bills they printed were $18 bills...

"What the hell are we going to do with all these bills... no one will
take them, since it's obvious they are fakes!".

[Canadian bills denominations are $5,10,20,50,100...]

"Let's take them to Newfoundland", was a suggestion from one of the
printers... "we'll be able to pass these there if anywhere in the country."

So, they loaded up the van and headed east for a three day drive to
Newfoundland.

After three days, including a 12 hour ferry crossing through the Gulf of
St. Lawrence they got to Newfoundland.

"Let's try these bills out... stop at that convenience store and I'll go
in and ask for change!"

A few minutes later the boss came back out to the van with a puzzled
look on his face... "What went wrong?", he was asked.

Well, I gave the cashier the $18 bill asking for change, he said to me
"No problem! Do you want two 9's or three 6's?"

Mr. Johns from USA, goes to Israel to visit all the holy places there.
On his tour he came by the Sea of Galilee and saw a man on a small boat with a sign " Sea of Galilee Tours",
He asked the man: "How much for a tour?"
The man said:" 380 Shekels"
" What? why so much?"
"Well sir" said the man : "you know that the Lord Jesus walked on these water"
"Yeah" said Mr. Johns: "with prices like that, I'm not bloody surprised!"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were all sitting at a table, finishing dinner and discussing theology.
Suddenly an angel appeared before them.
"I have been sent to grant each of you one wish," he said. "Who will go first?"
The catholic priest stood up.
"I wish for the destruction of all protestants!"
Then the protestant minister bolted up.
"I wish for the destruction of all catholics!"
The rabbi kept seated, so the angel asked, "How about you? What do you wish for, Rabbi?"
The rabbi answered, "Well, if you're going to grant their wishes, I'll just settle for another cup of coffee."

BELIEVE it or not, These are REAL 911 Calls!
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Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:
"My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...
a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes,
and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."

An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked.
The wily old general sends for his trusty Indian scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions.
All have war paint. Many, many guns. Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," replies the Indian, "I can see under the gate."

After giving the hired man a dressing down for being late in returning with supplies,
the farmer demanded, "Okay, now let's hear how it happened, Miller."
"Well, I picked up a minister along the road," explained the hired hand,
"and from there on the mules couldn't understand a word I said."

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her?
Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut.
I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.
"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:
"In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"

Women Are Like...

Women are like blue jeans, They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
Women are like computers, they take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.
Women are like country western songs, They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.

Women are like fax machines, Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.
Women are like horses, Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.
Women are like parking meters, If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.

Women are like parking places, The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
Women are like political campaign contributors, If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.
Women are like refrigerators, They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.

Women are like Saran Wrap, Useful but clingy.
Women are like the stock market, They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

Elephant Stew Recipe

1 medium sized elephant
570 gallon-containers gravy salt and pepper to taste, garlic, lots of carrots, lots of onions, 2 rabbits (optional)
Cut elephant in small bite size pieces.
This will take about two months.
Reserve the trunk, you will need something to store pieces in.
Add enough brown gravy to cover.
Cook over kerosene fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees.
This will serve about 3,800 people. If more are expected, the two rabbits may be added.

Do this only if necessary, as most people do not like to find hare in their stew.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of
the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," he replied.
I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so 'exciting' about a period?"
"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was missing one. Mummy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy.

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?

K9P.