Why is it that the only people that know how to run this country are either driving taxis or cutting hair?

Stacey said to Tracey, ' She told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her. '
'Well, ' replied Tracey in a hurt tone, ' I told her not to tell you I told her. '
' Oh dear, ' sighed Stacey, ' don't tell her I told you that she told me. '
Essex girls at their finest.

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He re-covered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOC-TOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.

HOW TO BE AN IDIOT

Staple papers in the middle of the page
Drum on every available surface.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy"
Sing the Batman theme incessantly
Ask people what gender they are

Burn incense
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme
Practice making fax and modem noises
If you have a glass, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Blow your nose when some one is eating
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Speak in acronyms
Name your dog "Dog."

Repeat everything someone says, as a question
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control
Cheer and clap loudly every time someone breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
When Bowling, sit in your lane and heckle others with a bullhorn
Repeat every third third word you say say
Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses

Break wind loudly. Add colour commentary. Bow
Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room
Leave urgent telephone messages for him/her when no one has called
Read your textbooks aloud. Ask your roommate for help on big words
Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed.
Steal a life-size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."

Talk like a pirate, all the time. Refer to your roommate as "matey." Threaten to make him/her walk the plank if s/he doesn't swab the deck
Take up playing a musical instrument. Practice constantly in the room, but don't play anything coherent. Play "Hot Cross Buns" or similar three-note songs twenty times until you get it perfect
Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door
At a job interview demand that if hired you want desk plate that reads, "Big Kahuna." As you follow your inter-viewer to his or her office kick out their heels so that they trip and fall on their face, laugh uncontrollably. Then announce that you are committing a hostile take over of the company, fire your interviewer

At the swimming pool tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.
Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
Hit strangers with your wet towel & throw people's things into the pool.
Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female
At a restaurant after the waiter/waitress describes each special, you shout, "Stinks!"
At the end of a date and the question arises of whether to go someplace else, politely decline saying that you have had your fill of bad taste for the night

Tell the police etc that "I pay your salary".
Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you.
Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or Madonna (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
On a plane, call the stewardess "nurse".
Pretend you're flying the plane.

Snort when you laugh
Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same
When two people kiss in the film, throw them wild abuse.
Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to you.

My company needed some computer software.
At PC World, I was shown a program and told "This will do half your work for you."

So I bought two copies.

90 year old Lionel from Hendon dies and his family begin to make arrangements for his funeral. But they quickly discover that Lionel’s regular rabbi is in Israel and won’t be back in time for his funeral. Fortunately, they man-age to obtain the services of Rabbi Levy from nearby Golders Green who agrees to officiate.

At the funeral, after chanting the prayers, Rabbi Levy begins his eulogy. "We are all here today to mourn the passing of Lionel Silver, a dear father and friend, and a respected citizen."
But before he can continue, a voice from the back shouts out, "What utter nonsense, rabbi. What are you talk-ing about? This man was a thief and a b******. He would cheat his own grandmother out of ten pence."

Rabbi Levy quickly decides to take another approach, "We are all here today to mourn the passing of Lionel Silver, a patron of the Hendon Synagogue and a dedicated biblical scholar."

Another voice from the back shouts out, "Are you crazy, rabbi? This man hadn't been inside a shul since his barmitzvah!"
For the third time, Rabbi Silver restarts his eulogy, "We are all here today to mourn the passing of Lionel Silver, a loving and dedicated husband and father."

Then another voice is heard from the back. "Rabbi, you obviously didn't know Lionel as I did. Faithful he wasn’t. He cheated on his loyal and lovely wife Sarah whenever he could and he never had any time to spend with his lovely children."
At this point, Rabbi Levy looks up from his notes and, from his heart, says, "Have not most of us as Jews suf-fered from the insults and prejudices of our neighbours? Why must we stoop to their level and speak ill of our own kind? I’m sure there must be someone here today who knew Lionel well and is prepared to say something nice about him."

After a long period of silence, another voice from the back shouts out, "Lionel’s brother was worse than he was!"

It’s shabbes and Rabbi Gold is just starting his sermon. When everyone is silent, Rabbi Gold looks towards heaven, extends both his arms upwards, and with great emotion says, "Dear Lord, without you we are but dust….”
At that point, a little boy sitting on his father’s lap says very loudly, "Daddy, what’s butt dust?"

One day Becky, aged 92 meets Shlomo aged 90 at their shul’s bridge class.
They enjoy each others company so much that they agree to meet again.
After a few more meetings, they decide to get married (both their part-ners have long since passed away).
On the first night of their honeymoon, Shlomo moves close to Becky and holds her hand.
Still holding hands, they fall asleep. On their second honeymoon night, Shlomo again moves close to Becky and holds her hand.
Soon they both fall asleep.
On the third night, Shlomo once more moves close to Becky, but this time, as he reaches over to hold her hand, Becky pushes him away and says,

"No, not tonight Shlomo. I’ve got a headache."

The phone rings in the Australian Cricket Team's changing room.
"G'day. Could I speak to Ricky Ponting, please?"
"Aww, look, sorry mate, he's just gone out to bat."
"Oh, that's alright, mate. I'll hang on."




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Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

HeHeHe

Because they lack acting & lying skills.

You are right on that, the politicians in the UK have been caught for entering expenses that
are just not true, and they dont like it. Even the Prime Minister has to repay £12,000 = 19,500.1 USD
Another may have to pay back £102,000 = 170,626 USD
Many ordinary people are having problems in just living from day to day.

Greed is not the word to describe them. Rotten to the core is nearer the mark.

I do that all the time in accordance with prophecy .What better name for a dog could there be in accordance with prophecy?I do this every single day in accordance with prophecy.