Dear All,
I regret to inform you that Santa Claus will not be delivering presents on Christmas Eve.
Last year, we offered the manufacturing of presents and running of the Elves factory to tender, and after a successful process we were delighted to bring Capita on board as our strategic partner. We are disappointed however to announce that cost overruns and delays have meant that only 62% of presents are ready and we are having to delay the delivery of presents until July 3rd at the earliest. This is, of course, unless the good girls and boys are merely asking for their SATS results as we have no idea when the Government will have them ready by.
Furthermore we have to take advice from the Police who are very concerned about someone bringing in goods to the country without being searched, or stating his business at customs. It is quite likely that he will take bottles of liquid in his sleigh and as everyone knows this is not allowed due to terrorism fears.
We are extremely concerned that Santa Claus creeps into children's bedrooms at night and he has not been CRB checked. Furthermore, we have had information that Santa Claus drinks alcohol while delivering presents and it is unacceptable that this is allowed. Therefore we have instructed the RAF to breathalyse him if he is detected in UK airspace on Christmas Eve.

We apologise for any inconvenience caused.
Jacqui Smith
Home Secretary

__________________________________
Jacqui Smith is /was amember of the Labour Government in the UK, she claimed for and got expenses that were not warranted.

PUNS
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There was once this second-rate orchestra led by a second-rate director.

In the orchestra was this guy on the cymbals who never banged them at the right time. So the conductor said, "If you don't get it right this time I'll kill you."

When the time came for the percussionist to get it right, he didn't. And so the director pulled out a gun and shot him dead.

Of course, the police came and arrested him and eventually the conductor ended up on death row. The day came when he was sent to the electric chair. As the crowd watched, the executionist flipped the switch ... but nothing happened. Everyone wondered what when wrong.

But the director knew. Saddened by all that had taken place, he said, "I never was a very good ... conductor!"

One day, a man from the Czech Republic came to visit his friend in New York.

When asked what he wanted to see, the visitor replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the Bronx Zoo. They were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, when one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and the zoo keeper immediately took steps to save the man's friend. The zoo keeper got an axe and asked the man, "OK, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?" The New Yorker pointed out the female as the culprit. Quickly, the zoo keeper split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech.

He looked at the man from New York, who shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech is in the male."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then
I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.

One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.


-----------------


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of
beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?' The barman is amazed but gives the
rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks
the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer
and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit
and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the
rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says 'A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is
hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then
burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been
laid on for the crowds of patrons attending and the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit
and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,'
smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, 'I'm
sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and
Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very
nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and
says, 'Are you sure I will like it?' The mass's bated breath is ear-
shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you
think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love
it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and
Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer
and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has
only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he
is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating
above the bar. The barman says, 'What are you?' to which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses
came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes, I
know.' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have
any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I died,' said the Rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman,'What from?'
After a short pause. The rabbit said...
'Mixin'-me-toasties.'

In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then.. Voila! You finish off as an o*****m! I rest my case.

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight" .
The wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time." "But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"
"That's not true, she replied,
"the last time you woke me up TWICE!"

What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvellous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).

Groaners

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large
18. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran
19. A backward poet writes inverse

20. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes