The 1st Kamikaze pilot is called in to the General's office, and the news is broken to him:
General: You have been chosen to be the 1st Kamikaze pilot in the war.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: Your job is to pick out our fastest plane.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You will fly plane toward American fleet.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You will take plane to altitude of 30,000 feet.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You will take plane into tailspin toward American battleship, fly down tubes of American battleship, and blow to bits for the glory of Japan.
Pilot: Yes Sir!
General: You got any questions?
Pilot: One Question, Sir.
General: Question granted.
Pilot: Are you out of your ******* mind!!!!!

Ventriloquist/ Blonde
------------------------------

A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out rude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.


"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. I'ts because of you that I have to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair."

"Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn'tmean to hurt your feelings." "Shut Up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"

Outrageous Court Case
------------------------------

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson's son.

June 1998: A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.

October 1998: A Terrence *beep* of Bristol Pennsylvania was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. *beep* found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. *beep*, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster Pennsylvania $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses

This bloke has been out with a couple of mates and is walking home at about 2am when all of a sudden around the corner comes this big 'low loader' truck with an elephant chained on the low section.
Two blokes jump out, unchain the elephant and run it thru' the back wall of a large jewellry store, smashing a massive hole in the wall.
The bloke just stands there amazed at what is happening.

The gang are into the jewellers and out again with all the loot, load up the elephant and with all the alarm bells ringing the 'low loader' takes off like a rocket.
Two minutes later the law are on the scene and the bloke is still standing there stunned.
"OK sir can you tell us exactly what happened here"

"Here I am just walking home quietly when this 'low loader' with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner, two blokes jump out and undo the elephant and run it right thru' that brick wall"
"Been drinking, have we sir?"
"I beg your pardon but I don't drink, thank you."

"Alright sir, now lets get this straight, in your own words once again if you please,"
"I'm walking home, minding my own business, not having been drinking when all of a sudden this 'low loader' truck with an elephant on the back comes flying round the corner and two blokes unchain the elephant and run it right into that wall and then they rush in, grab all the loot, chain the elephant back on the truck and take off, I've never seen anything like it in my life"

"Well sir, in your own time and in your own words of course, do you think you could tell us, for the record, you understand, was this an African elephant or an Indian elephant?"

He said "How the hell do I know, it had a stocking over it's head"

It's 2:00 in the morning and the travelling salesman calls the front desk at his motel and asks for some female company but with certain physical characteristics.
"She's got to be taller than 6 ft. and weigh no more than 100 pounds," he tells the desk clerk. 30 minutes later, there's a knock on his door and he opens it to see a tall, lithe young lady.

"I'm here for your pleasure, sir," she says.
"What do you weigh and how tall are you?"
She replies, "6'2 and 97 pounds."

"Perfect," he says. "Now take off all your clothes and get down on all fours on the floor."

As she does this, he walks to the bathroom door, opens it and ushers in a big St. Bernard dog.

The dog looks at the girl and the girl looks at the dog and the salesman says, "Now Fritz, do you see what you're going to look like if you don't finish your dinner?"

Three female cats were bragging about their kittens.
The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing. The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese."
The third cat said still said nothing. Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."

"TWO OLD GUYS"
-----------------------

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was
going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her.

What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair,
blue eyes, long legs, good figure and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for
yours."

Enter the kingdom of heaven
------------------------------------

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."